you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
You Might Also Like
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!