me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
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Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
X-tra spooky blend
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.