[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics