Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.