is there nothing we can trust anymore
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Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Just had my nails done!
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
that lip filler tho
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
❤️🦆
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine