billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
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getting corrected
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
<guitar riff>
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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.