“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
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*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.