Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
You Might Also Like
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges