WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
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Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.