DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
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Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS