Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.