20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
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that colleague who touches your screen
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Oh boy, $150,000!
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates