[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
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Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
What personal space?
My dog
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint