I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
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Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*