day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
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I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]