One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
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If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk