Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
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I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything