Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
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I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”