Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
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If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Are we there yet?…
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!