wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
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I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left