Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
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Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Black Friday “markdowns” like