I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent