Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
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DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
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In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
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[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
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[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?