Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
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Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
*puts my mental health in rice
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”