I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
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Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
The news is so predictable nowadays
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave