When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
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My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER