I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
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Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.