I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
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Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.