i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
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The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?