If only
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[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.