So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
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Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth