Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
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*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that