(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
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If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪