Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
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Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Where is your GOD now????
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”