they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
You Might Also Like
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”