ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
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Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.