Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
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The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.