[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
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Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I hate my earbuds.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.