My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
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Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I know karate and tons of other words.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.