Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
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[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make