Saturday
You Might Also Like
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.