No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
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*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.