Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
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I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour