Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
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“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I can’t wait!
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Tough love is true love
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I’m not proud