Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
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The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
is this store having a stroke wtf
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.