I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
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[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
want me to check your oil?
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry