Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
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Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*