me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
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netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle