If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
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Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest