just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
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jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
cyclists
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”